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Tips to get over a Heartbreak by Priyanka ,  Jul 27, 2013

Do you feel like crying for no reason?

Do you want to be alone and go sob-sob-sob all day?

Has life suddenly become one long, boring, lonely journey?

If your answer was yes to all of the above, you are showing typical signs of a break-up. Fret not. You can come out of it -- if you want to, that is.

Break-ups usually happen when:

  • The boy has moved on
  • The girl has moved on
  • Both have moved on

The third scenario is the most preferred. However, it is never really that simple. Most break-ups fall in the first two categories. And when it's that way there is a lot of pain, may be for both partners.

There are many who are scared of break-ups while there are others who are practically pros. Nevertheless, both groups find it difficult to deal with certain realities. But there are ways.

Twenty-five-year-old Sunita Raj says that the best way to get over a break-up is to sob it out. "It normally lasts for a month. After that it life eventually settles. That one month is full of pain. You are so used to that person that you need that time to start afresh."

Wolverine*, who says he has had eight break-ups so far feels that he has mastered the technique of nursing a broken heart. With a great deal of enthusiasm too.

"The worst of the Post Break-up Syndrome (PBS) is the real time a** kicker, aka heart break. One, the world crashes down on you. Two, all your dreams are shattered. Three, you feel you have lost a lot more than just a partner. The best thing to do is convince yourself that it was the "right" decision and the scope to lead your life as a learned person with all the experience you have gained from the relationship."

He usually hits the gym when he goes through a break-up. "I hit the gym with a vengeance, a vengeance to get into better shape and a hope to be seen by your ex when you are with some more sensual hottie," he opines.

Samuel Lal, a marketing executive from Bangalore, says, "I would go out of town if something like that had to happen to me. Just go away by yourself for a few days. Visit new places, meet different people and analyse why it happened. It gives you time to think through the episode and get back ready to start again."

So, if you have made up your mind to really getting over "it", here are some tips that you could follow:

~ First thing in the morning, look into the mirror and force yourself to smile. A bright smile can self-start your low engines.

~ Confide in someone who is close to you, someone with a lot of patience. Resolve the heartache and prepare yourself for a brighter future.

~ Make a list of things that you love doing. Plan your days such that you do one thing on the list every day for a week. Then, the next week create another list.

~ Cook your favourite food. Says Wolverine, "If cooking is your passion, like it is for me, follow it. A guy cooking good food got me tonnes of admirers from the opposite sex. Girls would go "aww" as soon as they heard. Get your friends over, cook good food, listen to great music and convince yourself that all that happened is for the best.

~ Meet up with your friends. There is no better antidote that good time spent with friends and there are no side effects either. "The best stress busters are your friends. Don't be hassled when they tease you a bit when you approach them after a break-up. They have the right to do it, since they were neglected when you were busy wooing your mate. They offer wonderful digressions," he adds.

~ Avoid places and activities that you performed with your beloved, at least for the first few months. As the healing sets in the memories will be less hurtful.

~ Take up a new hobby. It could a dance class or a cricket club. Meeting new and different people can refresh your pained mind.

~ Have some fun. It could be watching movies, going to the mall, going window shopping, visiting amusements parks, or visiting your favourite ice-cream parlour.

~ Do all the things you couldn't do when you were going around. Things like running errands for your mom. Doing some tasks for your little brother or sister.

~ Groom yourself. Don't let the spider webs get to you. Dress sharp, going to the gym, visiting a spa and eat the right food.

These are some tried and tested methods that have worked well for different people. The key, however, is to want to be happy and retain your enthusiasm. Once it is clear in your mind, the way ahead gets simpler.

'The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.' - unknown

It doesn't matter if you've just had your heart ripped out for the first time, or your going on your first dozen. Heartbreak sucks, no matter how many times you've been through it. There are some ways you can make it worse, like stalking your ex (driving past their house or on Facebook), drinking from the bottle while browsing over their pictures or messages, or drunk texting them during the late night hours. But if you don't like holding on to the pain involved, then stop. I know, easier said than done, but there are ways to dull the pain while your heart heals.

Here are my best tips for getting over a bad breakup:

  • Get a sassy gay friend. It doesn't mean you have to have a guy who's gay become friends with you, but that never hurts. "Sassy Gay Friend" is a modern slang version of a mentor, or tough love coach. Someone who slaps some sense into you when you can't see things straight, and you need it the most. In case you need a better idea of this kind of intervention, here is a good example of someone who cares enough about you to call you a "stupid bitch":

Sassy Gay Friend talks sense into Juliet

  • Accept "Tough Love." The last thing you might want to hear is someone playing drill sergeant and telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself, delete all your emails/texts, burn your photos, and cut all contact with your ex, but it's the best thing that you can do when your heart is bleeding. Think about it: how do you feel when you look at photos of the one who broke your heart? Don't you start crying when you read the beautiful messages they wrote to you? How does it feel to chase after someone that can't return your love? If you answered "like crap" to any of these questions, it's time to listen to the friend who tells you "like it is."
  • Get rid of all the reminders. That means doing the above actions: burn pictures, delete all correspondence, even remove contacts from your phone, Facebook or email address. As a warning, you may feel like your heart is breaking all over by this action, but it is a much faster process to heal. Imagine it like pulling a bandaid off: done slowly, it will be painful longer. Yank it off, and it hurts like mad for a few moments, but then you feel so much better.
  • Channel negative energy through music. Try to avoid the really painful stuff, like love songs that you enjoyed listening to while you were together. Why? Well, that would be referred to in the previous post about "get rid of old reminders"-- which includes avoiding your favorite hangouts, restaurants, etc. Get angry, shed tears, but let it out. Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for yourself; feel sorry for the fool who let you go. Here's my choice pick for such an ignoramus:

Linkin Park No More Sorrow

  • Get high. And no, not on drugs! On natural stuff, like Endorphins. Work out. Do yoga. Meditate. Take walks and clear your mind. The more time you invest on getting a rush on natural highs, the faster the healing process will repair your broken heart. Avoid drinking excessively (I know it's sometimes impossible not to let yourself go occasionally). Try your best to find the positive outlet for your emotions.
  • Let out the anger. Some people find it therapeutic to punch pillows. Others opt for breaking glass. I wouldn't recommend that, just because you could hurt yourself more with any shards that bounce back at you, and the cleanup is just a mess. One funny story I remember reading when I was going through my divorce was from a woman who was betrayed and left for another woman by her ex. He left gourmet teas in her home, and she "celebrated" him leaving by dumping the teabags into the toilet. Think symbolically: you are getting rid of waste in your life. Flush it, and let the plumbing take it to it's proper resting place.
  • Allow the grieving process to run its course. You may think by repressing your feelings that you will get ahead of yourself, but you can't fool anyone. Especially your heart. The steps are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Let it in, deal with it, then let it go. Here is a humorous take on the process:

5 Stages of Grief

  • Love yourself unconditionally. Go to the mirror and say, "I love you." Mean it. Pamper yourself with whatever you love, like a shopping spree, manicure/pedicure, luxury bath with aroma therapy candles, a full body massage, you name it. Whatever makes you happy, do it. Rent some funny movies. Have a girls'/boys' night in or out, and do crazy stuff (that isn't breaking the law, of course).
  • In an emergency, break the glass of seduction. I didn't want to have to bring this up, but let's be adults, shall we? Everyone is entitled to "one free night of uninhibited sex." No judgment, no regrets. Just be safe and use protection. Some reasons to "break the glass" might be:
  1. Your ex cheated on you.
  2. You did everything right in your relationship, and your ex still bailed on you.
  3. You got dumped in a text message or email.
  4. The text or email was only a few lines, like you never really mattered.
  5. Your ex just stopped contacting you. Make sure you get someone to buy you a drink in that case.
  6. You have also been abstinent for several months, and are one horny toad.
  7. A cute guy buys you a drink. Or a cute woman smiles at you. It doesn't take much, just a smidgen of attention.
  8. Your breakup is the end of a long, painful experience that finally came to an end.
  9. You want to test out something you just read in "The Joy of Sex."
  10. You feel like it.

Bottom line on these tips: try to let out the negative feelings and embrace the positive ones. Remind yourself of all the blessings in your life (just think about it and you'll find them. If you have use of your limbs, have a roof over your head, and food in your fridge, then you have plenty). There is nothing wrong with you. You just haven't met the right person to see all of your shining qualities and knows how to cherish them. That day will come, but baby steps each day until you get there.

Heartbreak hurts, and there's no denying it. Everyone will find a different way to get over it, but we all find being dumped or losing a loved one very hard. Easier for some people, but harder for others.


  1. Don't be embarrassed to cry. You've been hurt - expect the tears to keep coming. There are few people who can get over heartbreak without shedding tears, so let them flow. If you bottle up your feelings, you'll only end up making yourself feel worse later. Let everything loose and don't hold anything back.

  2. Find something to help take your mind off your heartbreak for a while, the feeling will pass with time. Activities you enjoy will help you relax.

  3. Talk to your friends and family. That's what they're there for! A good friend you trust will be a good person to talk to. A parent or sibling may also be a good choice.

  4. Focus on moving on. Focus for a while on your career and family. If you help someone else out, you'll feel good, and have a chance to take your mind off the pain. Good times are a great way to help you get over heartbreak. Keep on going with your day and focus on your work.

  5. Keep it in perspective! Think about the positive things in your life, and what you have left. Think about what you can do with your future, and don't let your loss destroy the rest of your life too. Letting the feeling overcome you will lead you down a road that isn't too pleasant.

  6. Rebuild your life. Get engrossed in new things, and try not to look back on the past. The more you move forward, the less it will hurt. Keep yourself occupied, so you don't have time to be upset. Keep moving forward.

  7. Talk to a professional. You may need to see a psychologist or other such professional person if your grief is really destroying your life. A professional will care and will know how to help you. They can almost certainly offer further and better advice.

  8. Accept it. You might never quite be happy about the event that caused your heartbreak, and you might always shed a tear thinking about it, but eventually you will find that you can live without it getting in the way. Just remember that every relationship is a learning experience, and every learning experience will positively effect your future. Time heals all wounds, especially in the case of heartbreak.

Mending a broken heart is never easy. There is no quick way to stop your heart from hurting so much.

To stop loving isn’t an option. Author Henri Nouwen writes, “When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful.”

But how do we get beyond the pain? Here are 10 tips I’ve gathered from experts and from conversations with friends on how they patched up their heart and tried, ever so gradually, to move on.

1. Go through it, not around it.

I realize the most difficult task for a person with a broken heart is to stand still and feel the crack. But that is exactly what she must do. Because no shortcut is without its share of obstructions. Here’s a simple fact: You have to grieve in order to move on. During the 18 months of my severe depression, my therapist repeated almost every visit: “Go through it. Not around it.” Because if I went around some of the issues that were tearing me apart inside, then I would bump into them somewhere down the line, just like being caught in the center of a traffic circle. By going through the intense pain, I eventually surfaced as a stronger person ready to tackle problems head on. Soon the pain lost its stronghold over me.

2. Detach and revel in your independence again.

Attempting to fill the void yourself — without rushing to a new relationship or trying desperately to win your lover back — is essentially what detaching is all about. The Buddha taught that attachment that leads to suffering. So the most direct path to happiness and peace is detachment. In his book, Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds, Victor M. Parachin tells a wonderful story about an old gardener who sought advice from a monk. Writes Parachin:

“Great Monk, let me ask you: How can I attain liberation?” The Great Monk replied: “Who tied you up?” This old gardener answered: “Nobody tied me up.” The Great Monk said: “Then why do you seek liberation?”

One of the most liberating thoughts I repeat to myself when I’m immersed in grief and sadness is this: I don’t need anyone or anything to make me happy. When I’m experiencing the intense pangs of grief, it is so difficult to trust that I can be whole without that person in my life. But I have learned over and over again that I can. I really can. It is my job to fill the emptiness, and I can do it… creatively, and with the help of my higher power.

3. List your strengths.

As I wrote in my “12 Ways to Keep Going” post, a technique that helps me when I feel raw and defeated to try anymore is to list my strengths. I say to myself, “Self, you have been sober for 20 years!! Weaklings can’t pull off that! And here you are, alive, after those 18 months of intense suicidal thoughts. Plus you haven’t smoked a cigarette since that funeral back in December of last year!” I say all of that while listening to the “Rocky” soundtrack, and by the last line, I’m ready to tackle my next challenge: move on from this sadness and try to be a productive individual in this world. If you can’t list your strengths, start a self-esteem file. Click here to learn how you build one.

4. Allow some fantasizing.

Grief wouldn’t be the natural process that it should be without some yearning for the person you just lost. Dr. Christine Whelan, who writes the “Pure Sex, Pure Column” on, explains the logic of allowing a bit of fantasy. She writes:

If you are trying to banish a sexual fantasy from your head, telling yourself “I’m not going to fantasize about her” or “I won’t think about what it would be like to be intimate with him” might make it worse… In a famous psychological study from the 1980s, a group of subjects were told to think about anything but whatever they did, they were not supposed to think about a white bear. Guess what they all thought about? [A white bear.]

5. Help someone else.

When I’m in pain, the only guaranteed antidote to my suffering is to box up all of my feelings, sort them, and then try to find a use for them. That’s why writing Beyond Blue contributes a big chunk to my recovery, why moderating Group Beyond Blue has me excited to wake up every day. When you turn your attention to another person — especially someone who is struggling with the same kind of pain — you forget about yourself for a split moment. And let’s face it, that, on some days, feels like a miracle.

6. Laugh. And cry.

Laughter heals on many levels as I explain in my “9 Ways Humor Heals” post, and so does crying. You think it’s just a coincidence that you always feel better after a good cry? Nope, there are many physiological reasons that contribute to the healing power of tears. Some of them have been documented by biochemist William Frey who has spent 15 years as head of a research team studying tears. Among their findings is that emotional tears (as compared to tears of irritation, like when you cut an onion) contain toxic biochemical byproducts, so that weeping removes these toxic substances and relieves emotional stress. So go grab a box of Kleenex and cry your afternoon away.

7. Make a good and bad list.

You need to know which activities will make you feel good, and which ones will make you want to toilet paper your ex-lover’s home (or apartment). You won’t really know which activity belongs on which list until you start trying things, but I suspect that things like checking out his wall on Facebook and seeing that he has just posted a photo of his gorgeous new girlfriend is not going to make you feel good, so put that on the “don’t attempt” list, along with e-mails and phone calls to his buddies fishing for information about him. On the “feels peachy” list might be found such ventures as: deleting all of his e-mails and voicemails, pawning off the jewelry he gave you (using the cash for a much-needed massage?), laughing over coffee with a new friend who doesn’t know him from Adam (to ensure his name won’t come up).

8. Work it out.

Working out your grief quite literally — by running, swimming, exercising, walking, or kick-boxing — is going to give you immediate relief. On a physiological level — because exercise increases the activity of serotonin and/or norepinehrine and stimulates brain chemicals that foster growth of nerve cells — but also on an emotional level, because you are taking charge and becoming the master of your mind and body. Plus you can visualize the fellow who is responsible for your pain and you can kick him in the face. Now doesn’t that feel good?

9. Create a new world.

This is especially important if your world has collided with his, meaning that mutual friends who have seen him in the last week feel the need to tell you about it. Create your own safe world — full of new friends who wouldn’t recognize him in a crowd and don’t know how to spell his name — where he is not allowed to drop by for a figurative or literal surprise visit. Take this opportunity to try something new — scuba diving lessons, an art class, a book club, a blog — so to program your mind and body to expect a fresh beginning… without him (or her).

10. Find hope.

There’s a powerful quote in the movie The Tale of Despereaux that I’ve been thinking about ever since I heard it: “There is one emotion that is stronger than fear, and that is forgiveness.” I suppose that’s why, at my father’s deathbed, the moment of reconciliation between us made me less scared to lose him. But forgiveness requires hope: believing that a better place exists, that the aching emptiness experienced in your every activity won’t be with you forever, that one day you’ll be excited to make coffee in the morning or go to a movie with friends. Hope is believing that the sadness can evaporate, that if you try like hell to move on with your life, your smile won’t always be forced. Therefore in order to forgive and to move past fear, you need to find hope.

And remember to love again…

Once our hearts are bruised and burned from a relationship that ended, we have two options: we can close off pieces of our heart so that one day no one will be able to get inside. Or we can love again. Deeply, just as intensely as we did before. Henri Nouwen urges to love again because the heart only expands with the love we are able to pour forth. He writes:

The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from you. The pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.

The pain of a broken heart is unlike any other pain. It is a deep emotional wound, a blunt-force blow to the very core of the human psyche and frankly put, it sucks! So what can you do to make the pain go away? There is no quick fix but rest assured that the old adage of time healing all wounds holds extra true for wounds to the heart. In time the pain of heartbreak will stop. In the meantime these five little tips should help soften the blow.

  1. Distraction, distraction, distraction! That’s right, distract yourself as much as possible. Out of sight, out of mind, inner plight, fill your time! Make yourself busy so that you can’t focus on your loss. Just make sure you busy yourself with productive activities like exercise, friend-time and focusing on school or work. Don’t get self destructive and at all costs avoid excess of any kind.
  2. Cry it out as much as needed. This is no time to put on a brave face. Your heart is broken, you’re wrought with disappointment and loss, it’s A-O-K to cry a lot. Just make sure that you cry in a private place, no PDAs (Public Displays of Affliction) and if you can’t handle being alone only cry in the company of someone close to you whom you know you can trust.
  3. Dance!! Put on your favorite song, something upbeat or even angry in tone, no sappy love songs allowed! Make sure it has a good beat and a sound that gets you moving. Then get up off your sad butt and dance around. Be silly, be funky, sing along at the top of your lungs, have fun with it. It sounds crazy, and it will look crazy to other people, but getting your real heart beating this way will do wonders for your proverbial broken one.
  4. Talk about your feelings with a friend... for a time. Talking is an excellent way to cleanse your soul and ease your mind. Pick a close and trusted friend and ask them in advance to listen to you vent whenever needed. Warn them that they may get sick of listening to you say the same things over and over but that you really need their help. A good friend will be there for you. Then set a mental deadline in your head, 2-3 weeks is a good one but when coping with the loss of a more serious or long term relationship you may require a bit more time, and once you’ve reached that deadline cease and desist all talk of the matter.
  5. Visualize your future, block out the past. You need to stop living in the past and focus on the future. People who are dealing with a break up tend to play over past events in their head ad nauseum. This behavior is normal and healthy in the early days of a break up but it can quickly become a dangerous and defeatist coping strategy. So after the first couple of days have passed you need to forget the past, good and bad, and look to the future. Think about all the positive ways your life will change; more time for friends, pursuing old hobbies that had been put aside or taking up new ones, and having more you time are all good focal points. When you think of your future do not think of anything that has happened as a loss but try to view it as an opportunity for change. You don’t need to bury your past forever, just for now, and when you can think of the past and smile you’ll know that you’re well on your way to being healed.

When relationships end – especially those that we thought were of the “forever” variety – the loss can feel like a death. For many it’s similar to giving up an addiction, new habits must be formed, routines must be shifted, and an alternate identity must be recognized.

The healing process can take a large amount of time, and unfortunately doesn’t always happen in a linear fashion. There are some days when moving on from the relationship seems easy, exciting even, but these days can be followed by the feeling that life will never quite be the same.

If you’re struggling to let go and move on to the next phase of your life, these tips can help you gain a little perspective.

#1 Separate Your Perception From Reality

When we are in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship, it’s usually extremely easy to spout of a list of reasons why things just aren’t working. Yet, once that dysfunctional relationship comes to a close, recognizing why it had to end suddenly becomes a massive challenge.

Be able to look at the situation for exactly what it is and avoid looking at it through rose colored glasses. This doesn’t mean discounting all of the good (which usually always exists to some extent), but instead seeing what is there – and what isn’t.

#2 Allow Yourself to Mourn

Your day to day life may be suffering from this seemingly uncontrollable outpouring of emotion, but it won’t last forever. So allow yourself to sit with the feelings that this break-up brings forth for you without trying to turn it off prematurely.

Part of the sadness during this time comes from the fact that you are mourning what never was, the future that you were never able to experience with your partner. Sometimes just recognizing it – putting a name to this particular brand of sadness – can help.

#3 Drop the Victim Mentality

It’s easy to take on the victim role after a break up, citing the things that your partner did or didn’t do, but this is only a temporary fix. In fact, it actually does the opposite of what you need during this time – it strips you of your power.

Chances are, you were hurt deeply in the break-up process. But healing from this hurt can take infinitely longer if you continue to see yourself as the victim. Victims don’t tend to move on to happy, healthy new relationships – or lives for that matter. Empowered self-confident people, on the other hand, do.

#4: Concentrate on You

Were there pieces of yourself that were neglected while you were in your relationship? Reconnect with who you are by doing the things that you love to do, or the things you didn’t know you loved to do. Pick up a hobby, reach out to old friends – anything that will temporarily bring you out of your head and into a better space.

Most importantly, be kind and nurturing to yourself.

#5: Let Go of the Outcome

Part of the reason why break-ups tend to hit us so hard is because, even if it was much earlier in the relationship, we expected a different outcome. We push and prod and expel all of our energy into hoping things will go the way we pictured in our minds, but sometimes there is a plan for us that is far greater than anything we could imagine for ourselves.

So stop investing all your energy in the outcome. Let it be. Let life flow the way it was intended to flow and you will lift a heavy weight off your shoulders.

Some relationships are meant to last a life time. Take my grandparents — they were together 52 years. But it doesn’t always work out that way. Over time, some relationships flourish and some dissolve. When a couple grows apart, it doesn’t mean that either one is a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other, and that it’s time to move on.

Tina Su from Think Simple Now offers seven helpful tips to help you get over a break up, heal, and let go of the emotional baggage.

7 Tips Getting Over a Break Up

1. Letting Go

Everything in the Universe happens for a reason

What would you do if your house was burnt to the ground, and everything you owned was destroyed? I’m sure you’d be frustrated and angry at first, but at the same time, no amount of anger will undo what has been done. It is what it is. Your best bet is to begin moving on, and working towards creating a new home.

Similarly, when a relationship ends, you’ll want to practice letting go and allowing the healing process to begin quickly.

If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do not dwell on whether the person will come back or not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances are, something is wrong with the fit of your partnership, and you’ll be better appreciated elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you and the ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my experience).

Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason, and it benefits everyone involved in the long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust that this is the best possible thing to happen to you right now, and the reasons will become clear in the future.

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy

We all have the need to be understood and heard. Whether we’re on the receiving end or the initiating end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension and any unexpressed emotions. We can release this extra energy by:

  • Talking about it with a friend.
  • Voicing our opinions honestly and openly with our ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past.
  • Punching a pillow and crying freely for 10 minutes
  • Screaming out aloud and imagining unwanted energy being released with your voice (seriously, I’ve done a meditation that incorporated this, and I instantly felt better).
  • Writing in a journal (more on this later).
  • Exercise and body movement.
  • Meditating.

3. Love Yourself

The practice of loving yourself is the most important aspect on the road to personal happiness and emotional stability. I’ve personally had my most valuable personal growth spurts during the period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of my life.

I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners, to spending every Sunday on my own doing the things that I loved, to taking myself to Symphonies, to taking overseas trips on my own. Each one had its own challenges and confronted my beliefs about loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It was so gratifying, refreshing and empowering.

Here are some ideas to cultivate the art of loving yourself:

  • Take yourself on romantic dates as if you were on a date with another person. Put on nice clothes, maybe buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to something delicious, and take long walks under the stars. Whatever your idea of a romantic date is.
  • Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Smile slightly with your eyes. Practice giving gratitude to what you see. You don’t need words. Just send out the intent of giving an abundance of love to the eyes that you see, and feel the feelings of love within you. As you are looking into your eyes, look for something you admire about your eyes – maybe the color, the shape, the depth, the exoticness, or even the length of your eye lashes. This will be a little weird and uncomfortable at first, but just trust me, and continue with it. Do this for a few minutes every day.
  • Sit or stand in front of a mirror, or sit somewhere comfortable (mix it up, and do both on different days), put both hands on your chest and say to yourself, “I love you, <insert your name>”. Repeat a few times, slowly. Continue with qualities you like about yourself, or things you are good at. Be generous and list many, even if they sound silly. Example, “I love that you always know how to make your salads so colorful and appetizing.”, “I love that you have the discipline to go to the gym regularly, and you really take care of your body.”, “I love that you are so neat, and can keep your desk so organized.”
  • Practice doing things on your own to challenge your fear of being alone. For example, if you have a fear of eating alone in a restaurant, go out to a restaurant on your own. Your mission is to find the joy within that experience.

4. Love Your Ex-Partner

Allow the love within you to flow. Try practicing forgiveness and open up your heart.

Let your heart break wide open

Over the past few months, my friend Tom Stine and I have been chatting about the topic of overcoming breakups. Tom had been married for 13 years and went through a divorce that took him 2 years to emotionally recover from. When asked about how he got over his ex-wife, he had a few snippets of wisdom to convey:

  • “I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my heart was going to break. Adyashanti says something amazing – when people say, ‘My heart feels like it is going to break.’ He says, ‘Let it break. If you let it really break – really, really break, it will transform you.’
  • LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN”. Let go of every possible belief or thought that says your ex is anything other than the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person in the Universe. You gotta love them and open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!! That’s how to get over a break-up, really get over it. Anything short of that is not gonna do it.”
  • “The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are apart, and the Universe never makes mistakes. We are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart and soul and we never have to be together. And when I realized that, I felt amazing. And still do. The freedom was great. I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of our relationship. All the hurt and anger disappeared. I was free.”

The underlying message of love in Tom’s words is pretty clear and powerful.

5. Give it Time

It takes time to heal. Be patient. Give it more time. I promise the storm will end, and the sun will peak through the clouds.

6. Journal Your Experience

Spend some quality time in a comfortable chair, at your desk or at a café, and write your thoughts and feelings on paper. No, not typing on a laptop, writing on paper with a pen. Follow your heart and flow freely, but if you’re stuck, here are some writing exercises you can do:

  • Drill into the why – Start with a question or statement, and continue to drill into why you feel that way until you have a truthful and satisfying reason. The exercise isn’t to issue blame or blow off steam at someone else. It’s meant to gain clarity and understanding into how you feel, so you can alleviate unnecessary pain. For example, you might start with the statement, “I am in a lot of pain, ouch!”, and your why might be “because she left me”. Now ask yourself, “why does that hurt so much?”, and one possible why might be, “because I feel abandoned”. The following why to “why does feeling abandoned hurt so much?”, “because it makes me feel alone”, etc. More than likely, the real reason has something to do with our own insecurities or fears.
  • Finding the Lessons – What did you learn from the relationship? What did you learn from the other person? How is your life better because of it? How will your future relationships be better because of it?

7. Read Something Inspirational

Books that deal with our emotions and ego are incredible tools at a time of healing. They help to enlighten our understanding of ourselves and our experiences.